After the first Thanksgiving, William Bradford—the first governor of the Plymouth colony and signatory of the Mayflower Compact—famously captured the spirit of the experience in his journal: “Satan tooke occasion and advantage to foyst a number of vile ceremonies [...] which have since been as snares to many poore and peaceable souls even to this day.”

OK, so that passage is actually about political corruption in England, but the point still stands. Sure, Thanksgiving is a time of family and togetherness, but it’s also a time of vile ceremonies, such as trying to find a single one of grandma's Thanksgiving recipes when you need them, or describing the state of your personal life to multiple relatives. The key is to maximize the moments of peace so that you can not only get through Thanksgiving, but actually enjoy it. 

We've assembled this survival kit to help. 

COPY OF THE ART OF WAR

This classic work of military strategy may seem like heavy reading material for a family feast. But don't let the title dissuade you: it's chock full of advice and encouragement that will help you deftly maneuver around the delicate social intracacies of the evening. 

PICTURE OF FAKE SIGNIFICANT OTHER

As The Art of War just taught you, your opening moves are critical to enjoying the whole Thanksgiving. The Canadian Girlfriend Strategy worked in Sun Tzu's time, and it can work for you too. Just save a stock photo of a handsome gentleman or gentle lady on your smart phone to whip out when anyone asks prying questions. It sets the tone by reassuring your family that you’re capable of finding love, albeit on a distant shore. 

Note: do not use this strategy if you’re already married or otherwise attached. It will send the wrong message.

NECK TIE FLASKS

There’s a slim chance that the above strategy will come off as a flimsy hoodwink. It’s not a bad idea to loosen up a little before taking another shot at it. Unfortunately, taking a swig from a flask is a little obvious, but taking a jubilant sip from a neck tie flask says “This guy’s the life of the party!” Or should we say, “par-tie”?

FIRE EXTINGUISHER

The chances of some kind of kitchen mishap go up by about 500% on Thanksgiving. Putting out a grease fire is the perfect way to cement your reputation as family hero. If it looks like the day’s going off without a hitch, feel free to wait until nobody’s looking and just spray a little of the foam in the corner. When folks ask, just tell them there was “a little incident”, but it’s fine now. You’ll get all of the credit without any of the danger.

ZEN TENT

So far, so good. Friends, family, and in-laws can’t seem to stop talking about your Canadian partner and disaster preparedness. Now’s a good time to recharge your batteries with a nap in a Zen Tent. To keep everyone from worrying about you, be sure to announce that you’ll be taking a little breather. It might be a good idea to offer the tent to everyone to use (as long as you’re not in it). Remember: they’re all going through Thanksgiving too.

CAMELBAK FULL OF GRAVY

OK, you’re rested and ready! Nothing’s gonna bring you down. Not your cousin’s boyfriend asking you point blank how old you are and definitely not some woman you’ve never seen before serving herself the last of the gravy. Preparation is the mother of contentedness, which in this case is having your own personal supply of gravy in a Camelbak or similar hydration bag. 

SLEEP MASK

Maybe it’s not too soon to put on a sleep mask or similar relaxation aid and pop into the Zen Tent again. Just for a little nap.

TUMS

The whole point of Thanksgiving is to stuff yourself like the proverbial turkey. Bringing your own antacids staves off indigestion. It’s also probably best if you can get through dinner without asking the host for a medicine that reflects poorly on their cooking.

UNO® FROM MATTEL GAMES®

Kids get bored, and when they do, they take it out on you. Keep their boredom at bay and your annoyance levels low with this summer-camp classic card game.

NOISE-CANCELLING HEADPHONES

The family’s sleeping soundly on the couch, the fire extinguisher foam is all cleaned up, and the kids are playing a wholesome card game. Now’s the time to get in one final session of deep relaxation. Just pop these noise-cancelling headphones on, along with the eye mask, jump in the Zen Tent, and take a much-needed victory nap.

ZIPLOC SANDWICH BAGS

This is it. The home stretch. Not only did you not flip out, you kept the whole party together. Granddads are sleeping peacefully, rambunctious kids are sitting quietly, and no emergency visits from the fire department have taken place. It’s time to take your reward—mountains of stuffing, green-bean casserole, and all the turkey you can fit into a sandwich bag or food container. Happy Thanksgiving!

(Photos by Mark William Mills and text by Jeremy Stephison for Groupon.)

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