A good bartender always has advice for customers’ problems, which is why it's best not to bartend in a particle-physics lab or prison. Hone your listening ear with today's Groupon: for $299, you get a 32-hour bartending course at ABC Bartending School (a $995 value). Two-week courses run Monday–Thursday from 9:30 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. or 6 p.m. to 10 p.m. One-week classes are available Monday–Thursday from 9:30 a.m. to 5:30 p.m.

Aspiring bartenders learn the ropes of mixing, stirring, and shaking under the tutelage of ABC’s experienced instructors. Thirty-two hours of comprehensive training schools bartenders-to-be with extensive instruction and hands-on practice in alcohol alchemy, teaching students to blend liquors and mixers into sippable sensations. Pupils step behind a professional-grade bar as adult beverage experts dole out advice on proper mixing techniques, basic recipes, and attracting generous tips with industrial magnets. The curriculum also covers business basics such as money handling, customer service, and job-interview techniques. Graduates enjoy a lifetime of free refresher courses, job-placement assistance, and access to a Cheers dimension that currently, due to spatial fluctuations, contains only Cliff Clavin.