Inaccessible to the hands, back musculature often falls prey to freeloading "kick me" signs and hitchhiking parrots. Liberate a beleaguered back with today's Groupon to The Academy of Massage Therapy and Bodyworks. Choose between the following options:

• For $35, you get a one-hour Swedish massage (a $70 value).
• For $45, you get a seven-hour massage class (a $99 value). Classes are offered two Sundays a month: July 17 and 24, August 14 and 28, September 18 and 25, and October 2 and 16; additional classes may be added as needed.

The Academy of Massage Therapy and Bodyworks imparts budding stress-soothers with the requisite repertoire of strokes to melt away muscular aches and pains. Already-achy backs can submit to the therapeutic effects of a one-hour Swedish massage at the hands of an Academy of Massage graduate student. The massage is fully customizable to each client's needs, targeting shoulder pangs, lower backaches, and other specific ailments such as ingrown porcupines.

During the seven-hour basic massage class, dexterous instructors teach the fundamentals of Swedish massage, arming students with the secrets and spice rubs of massage techniques that target the back, legs, arms, goose bumps, neck, and shoulders. By the end of the class, students will feel comfortable applying the nuances of knot-alleviation to friends, family members, or the deer scared stiff in front of their motor-scooter's headlights.