If comic books have taught us anything, it's that getting zapped with mysterious rays always gives you crime-fighting abilities—in this case, superhuman smoothness. Let your skin fulfill its dream of pummeling two-bit hoodlums with today's deal, which gets you a choice of aesthetic laser body treatments at The Aesthetic Medicine & Anti-Aging Clinics of Louisiana. Choose between the following options:

• For $98, you get three laser hair removal sessions for one of the following body areas: the upper lip (a $300 value), chin (a $300 value), fingers (a $300 value), toes (a $300 value), hairline (a $600 value), underarms (a $600 value), sideburns (a $600 value), or $600 toward any one body area.
• For $129, you get one VelaShape body contouring treatment (a $500 value).

Using starship-compatible elōs laser technology, Dr. Todd Howell and his skilled technicians at The Aesthetic Medicine & Anti-Aging Clinics of Louisiana banish wily bristles and combat cellulite with safe, non-invasive treatments. Laser hair-removal sessions force follicles to vacate their dermal dwellings using targeted bi-polar light and radio frequencies that confuse unwanted hair with mixed signals until they get fed up and suggest seeing other people. Repeated sessions further reduce hair growth.

The VelaShape contouring treatment, meanwhile, combines laser and vacuum technology to zap and engulf fatty tissues—sculpting the body’s bulges into flattened contours and stoic busts of Abraham Lincoln. Whether directed at the abs, buttocks, love handles, or thighs, VelaShape can help dispel cellulite and reduce the body’s circumference, making it easier to divide by pi. VelaShape reduces an average of one inch per treatment and leaves skin firmer and tighter so that it’s less likely to slip away in the night and travel the nation as a freelance wind sock. Both the laser hair-removal and VelaShape treatments work for all skin types.