Regular physicals help guard against Father Time’s negative effects, such as heart disease, high cholesterol, and old-age wedgies. Offset temporal teasing with today’s Groupon: for $149, you get an executive-level physical at Avecina Medical Center, with three available locations (a $750 value). The physical includes the following:

• Chest x-ray
• EKG
• Urinalysis
• Lipid profile, including cholesterol and triglycerides
• Complete blood count
• Thyroid function test
• Blood test to check liver and kidney functions
• Vision test
  
  

Avecina’s experienced physicians scrutinize anatomies for signs of wear and tear and dispense invaluable advice to aid in their upkeep. Examinations run an in-depth assessment of vital stats, encompassing vision testing, an electrocardiogram, and a chest x-ray to verify that lungs aren’t twisting themselves into balloon animal shapes. A range of blood tests, including a lipid profile, cell count, thyroid and liver function check, and urinalysis provide assurances of good general health, and kidney analysis reveals the presence or absence of stones that must be broken up to avoid discomfiting avalanches. All three locations furnish clean, spacious waiting rooms, leather seating, and the latest medical equipment to ensure accurate information on the condition of clients’ meatsuits.