A session with teeth-whitening pioneers BriteSmile usually costs about $600. If you wait for a sale, you might only pay $350, or $300 once in a Dutch pastry treat. Today, we’re pleased to bring back one of our most popular deals: teeth whitening for only $185. That’s 69% off! We know $185 is a wad of money consisting of 180 one-dollar bills and 1,000 nickels, but for what you’re getting, nothing comes close. If you have frequent unsightly-teeth night-haunties, get today’s Groupon (good at BriteSmile’s 840 N. Michigan Ave. and Woodfield Mall locations) and save hundreds of dollars.

BriteSmile’s patented stain-busting technique involves UV technology and fancy lamps that shine gentle blue light all over your teeth to whiten them. As the BriteSmilers work, you can sleep, watch TV, or build a dollhouse out of recycled baseball bats. When the hour is up, your teeth will be in factory-new condition—customers have seen their teeth get 14 shades lighter. Dazzle your boss, significant other(s), prospective job interviewers, and anyone else you want to impress with a BriteSmile smile. Already had your teeth whitened? Email friends who need to keep their smile looking good for professional reasons (salespeople, politicians, Marlboro spokespeople, teeth models, etc.) so that they can take advantage of the offer and move up The Corporate Ladder.

Aside from the obvious benefits of teeth whitening—professional advancement, increased sex appeal, better likelihood of catching salmon, etc.—are lesser-known practical advantages. For instance, if you and your partner each get a treatment, you’ll not only look better for each other, but you can use each other’s teeth as mirrors when you need to comb your eyebrows on the go. If you ever lose a post-whitened tooth, you can find an African ivory poacher and trade it for gold. This Groupon also makes an excellent gift for a loved one with disgusting teeth. If you’ve been slacking on maintaining your basset hound’s dental hygiene, make up for it by giving him the gift of teeth whitening: he’ll be obliviously happy anyway, and you can attribute his joy to your generosity.

Don’t be fooled by the laser-whitening treatments you see listed for $199—they won’t get your teeth nearly as white as BriteSmile (BriteSmile’s whitens an average of eight shades or more), nor will they last as long (six months vs. BriteSmile’s one to two years). Those are scams run by evil doctors who live for the thrill of shooting unsuspecting patients in the mouth with real lasers.

Reviews

Yahoo! Local users rate the teeth-whitening experts a perfect five stars; Yelpers give BriteSmile four:

• The next day or two, MY TEETH WERE EVEN WHITER than the day I had it done. It’s been 2 weeks since I got it done and my teeth are just as white as the 2nd/3rd day. I always had self esteem issues with the color of my teeth but now I’m not.
 – Rick N., Yelp
• I love my teeth whitening results. I had this done over a year ago, and people still compliment my teeth. Even my dentist commented on my results. – Allison K., Yelp
• I have to say that BriteSmile is way, way, way more effective than Crest strips or trays. I would definitely repeat this experience and believe that it’s the least inconvenient method for whitening your teeth. – julian.josh@…, Yahoo! Local

The March of Technology

Teeth whitening is just one of the many reminders of technology’s enormous power to transform our world. Do you remember what life was like before these remarkable inventions?

• Firetruck reddening
• Pasteurized adjectives
• Hamstered dances
• Carphones for your pants
• Flame-retardant babies
• iPogs