A perfectly white smile determines how others perceive you by shining brightly enough to blind them to your second head and compound eyes. Let dazzling teeth disguise the effects of your mad-science hobby with today’s Groupon to CJ Dental. Choose between the following options:

• For $199, you get a Zoom! whitening treatment (a $535 value).
• For $350, you get two Zoom! whitening treatments (a $1,070 value).
  
  

Zoom! Whitening treatments employ whitening gel and specially designed lights to send vagabond stains and splotches packing, leaving teeth up to eight shades lighter after one in-office application. During an initial 45-minute consultation, a skilled dentist determines if teeth are eligible for the whitening process with a brief examination and series of unanswerable riddles. Customers then return to the office for a roughly two-hour appointment packed with three successive 15-minute applications of light-activated gel designed to react to blasts from the special Zoom! lamp. Patients leave with a custom take-home whitening tray for at-home touchups and ancient magical incantations for summoning healthy bicuspids.