A smile, like freshly fallen snow, is soft and inviting until it turns yellow. Shovel dental sidewalks with today’s Groupon: for $199, you get a Zoom! in-office whitening session at David D. Gianino, DDS Family & Cosmetic Dentistry in Lunenburg (a $475 value).

Dr. David Gianino and his loyal pearl-cultivating posse endow smiles with luminescent lightness using ADA-approved Zoom! treatments. A triad of 15-minute whitening cycles frosts tarnished chops with highly concentrated hydrogen-peroxide gel and bakes them to a white-hot sheen under activating Zoom! lamps, while a brief nap under fluoride blankets bequeaths mouths with plaque-resistant oomph. Chastened discoloration regimes relinquish their usurious grip on enamel and dentin as wine stains, tobacco tattoos, and cookie crumbs bolt away from gummy borders. Zoom!’s voodoo retrofits mouth gates with same-day visible results and an average of eight shades of cumulative colorlessness.

Mindful of oral adjuncts, Dr. Gianino’s dental devotees coddle eyes with ceiling-mounted televisions, eardrums with Bose headphones, and palms, if they desire, with spa-worthy paraffin wax mittens. Additional upgrades and take-home touch-ups (not included) can elevate terrestrial tusks to solar sheens. While glowing teeth can boost nearly any biped’s confidence and beauty, whitening is not recommended for preteens, pregnant or lactating mothers, or avid Paleolithic-era reenactors.