Humans maintain their bodies for the same reasons they maintain their houses: to keep the neighbors friendly and to disguise the fact that an alien lives inside them. Keep up the charade with today's Groupon: for $35, you get one Endermologie cellulite treatment from Dr. Marlowe's Weight Loss Institute (a $75 value).

Dr. Marlowe and his team of bulge-busters aim to tame cellulite with FDA-approved, non-invasive technology. During the 35 minute Endermologie treatment, a specialized massage machine combs target areas with a vacuum suction device, which creates folds in the fatty layers and stretches the tissue to break up cellulite like parents break up a midnight viewing of Citizen Kane during their child's slumber party. Along with easing out cellulite, the non-invasive procedure can also improve circulation and relieve lingering muscle pain. Treatments may cause minor bruising and are recommended twice a week for extended periods before results become visible.