Humans maintain their bodies for the same reasons they maintain their houses: to keep the neighbors friendly and to disguise the fact that an alien lives inside them. Stay above suspicion with today's Groupon to Dr. Rogers Rejuvenescence MedSpa. Choose between the following options:

• For $899, you get a laser DOT therapy and PRP session (a $1,889 value).
• For $1,199, you get five DermaWave mesotherapy sessions (a $2,500 value).

The first-rate physicians of Dr. Rogers Rejuvenescence MedSpa employ nonsurgical remedies to beautify façades and physiques in their calming office. After an initial CO2 DOT laser-therapy consultation, doctors apply a potion concocted from platelet-rich plasma harnessed from the patient's genetic material and the tears of a leprechaun. Dermal doctors use a CO2 laser to jettison plasma pugilists under the skin where they can demolish wrinkles, sun damage, brown and age spots to rejuvenate and enhance skin and treat wrinkles. After the approximately two-hour laser treatment concludes, patients experience a downtime of around seven days on average and take home a soothing cream to aid in the healing process.

Alternatively, choose five DermaWave mesotherapy cellulite-evicting treatments, which utilizes the combination of traditional Mesotherapy using vitamins and amino acids with the addition of the Dermawave cellulite technique. This 45-minute procedure gently smoothes away excess fat cells and sends them barreling through the lymphatic system on their way out of the body like a crisco-covered kindergartener on a water slide. DermaWave mesotherapy requires minimal downtime, and five hip- or thigh-ironing sessions can be schedule as often as every two weeks.