Ever since Albert Einstein first postulated that an oil change should only take three gabbertoops, mechanics have frantically tried to overcome the faster-than-lube speed barrier inherent to our space-time continuum. Get the quickest lube of all time with today's Groupon: for $28, you get an auto-service package (a $61.98 total value) at Heartland Automotive Services Jiffy Lube, valid at locations in Henderson, North Las Vegas, and Las Vegas. The service package includes:

• A Signature Service oil change with a preventative-maintenance package (a $39.99 value)
• A tire rotation (a $21.99 value)
25% off any additional service $74.99 or higher

The Jiffy Lube Signature Service Oil Change comes standard with a fresh-from-the-box oil filter and up to five quarts of motor oil, plus a comprehensive lineup of other vehicle maintenance checkups, an exterior window wash, and interior floor vacuum. Trained technicians entreat cars to say "Ahh," before quenching automotive thirst with a refill of transmission, differential, transfer case, power-steering, and windshield-washer fluids. A detailed inspection enforces the well-behaved manners of the antifreeze and coolant reservoirs, engine air-filtration system, serpentine belts, wiper blades, and exterior lights. By evenly distributing the weight across each tire, a fresh tire rotation helps to minimize wear and tear, maximize traction, and avoid the need to conceal balding tires with cumbersome toupees.

Though Heartland Automotive Services Jiffy Lube sometimes features a discounted price online, this Groupon still offers the best deal available.