Without gym memberships, fitness-minded people would be forced to exercise elsewhere in the wild world, including in forests with a bear, in deserts with a scorpion, and in offices with a Steve, the company bear. Enjoy the ursineless confines of a modern gym with today’s Groupon to Intoxx Fitness on Staten Island. Choose from the following options:

• For $19, you get a fitness package (a $130 total value) that includes:
• One-month gym membership (a $75 value)
• One personal-training session (a $55 value)<p>
• For $39, you get a fitness package (a $254 total value) that includes:
• Three-month gym membership (a $199 value)
• One personal-training session (a $55 value)<p>
• For $69, you get a fitness package (a $430 total value) that includes:
• Six-month gym membership (a $375 value)
• One personal-training session (a $55 value)<p>

Waves of adrenaline wash over members as they explore Intoxx Fitness’s 12,000+ square feet of workout space, a veritable wonderland of free weights, cardio equipment, and expansive fitness studios that host a wealth of group classes. Calories ride beads of sweat off into the sunset as hearts gallop through exercises on treadmills, elliptical trainers, stair climbers, and stationary bikes. Group fitness instructors work hardened abs like steel drums to fuel the Latin-inspired dance sequences of Zumba, and punching bags train for future careers as distressed leather jackets as fists and feet fly during an interval cardio kickboxing class. The group fitness schedule also catalogs holistic Pilates and yoga classes that build power and flexibility while steeping minds in a calming bath of energy. Members can feel free to quench their thirst at Intoxx’s juice bar or by rewinding nine minutes and not eating a handful of cotton in an attempt to fluff muscles.

All memberships also include a one-on-one personal training session, during which members can work with a professional trainer to devise an individual workout plan that focuses on their weaknesses. As clients pump iron and will their way through grueling push-ups, trainers shout words of encouragement or rap quotes from inspirational sports movies in a mellifluous whisper. While flexing their muscles and bending at their joints, clients can exercise their eyes on the flat-screen TVs that line the gym’s walls.