For centuries mankind has envied pizza dough and wondered how we too could be kneaded to relaxed, savory states without paying for the luxury of being escorted via wooden paddle to a Sicilian brick oven. Today's Groupon helps you achieve serenity without covering yourself in melted cheese. For $70, you get a 60-minute organic pampering (a $150 value) or a men's massage package (also known as the Weekend Warrior package) at Massage Fort Wayne (a $150 value).

Massage Fort Wayne's therapists have all attended a minimum of 500 on-site hours at state-approved schools before being allowed to set foot in the wellness center's tranquil new location. The space includes a couples massage space and a relaxation zone to wind down before or after the massage. In the cozy confines, experience the organic massage package, which tenderizes tense tendons with a body massage, followed by a head massage, a specialized hand treatment, a soothing foot masque, and a facial steaming accompanied by an aromatherapy face massage. Massage Fort Wayne uses organic products throughout the royal treatment, eschewing less eco-friendly massage lotions such as lukewarm milk.

Alternatively, clear the tight knots out of sore Y chromosomes with the Weekend Warrior package—a meticulous body massage accompanied by enhancers specifically designed for dudes, which dispel the stress and aches that so often accompany such manly male ailments as lumberjack's block and football fingers. With deliberate strokes and intense focus, each skilled massage therapist will take your mind to a blissfully whited-out plane. After your mind flutters back down into your corpus, you'll leave the Massage Fort Wayne premises with your muscular fibers singing as harmoniously as a barbershop quartet, instead of screeching like the lead singer in a Norwegian death-metal barbershop quartet.