Keeping teeth clean and white is the first and only step in coping with the fact that your skeleton is slowly escaping from your body through your mouth. Deal with it with today's Groupon: for $169, you get an in-office teeth-whitening treatment at Millbrae Smile Center (a $550 value).

Millbrae Smile Center’s enamel experts brighten smiles with quick, in-office whitening treatments. Instead of painting mouth pearls with Wite-Out, a tooth artist applies a safe bleaching solution at each 30- to 60-minute session. Dr. Valerie de Leon summons an LED light for extra whitening power, allowing teeth to illuminate darkened rooms and cultivate hothouse tomatoes. Alternatively, clients may choose a bleach-free treatment that pairs polishing paste with one of three ivory pigments. Both treatments produce immediate results with minimal tooth sensitivity for most patients. Results can last months with proper care, though smokers, coffee drinkers, and squid-ink garglers may need follow-up sessions.