Although secret societies have terrific members-only benefits, their gorilla-centric initiation rites are often illegal. Make a solemn fitness vow that's legal with today's Groupon: for $29, new customers get a one-month unlimited membership and three one-hour personal-training sessions (up to a $249 value) with Onelife Fitness at any of its six area locations.

Onelife Fitness is part of a health-club franchise dedicated to inspiring greater public participation in the fist-pumping joy of physical activity. With today's deal, you'll have access to a multitude of unlimited classes available throughout the day, including yoga, cycling, kickboxing, and zumba, to name just a few of the sweaty choices. High-tech weight and cardio machines encourage budding muscles, and extra training amenities allow fitness seekers to defy gravity, increase dexterity, and leave the premises prepared to conquer acrobatic mountain goats. In addition, you'll also receive an online fitness and nutrition plan powered by DotFIT to help keep you on track of your fitness goals.

If you're stymied atop a fitness plateau, or just need extra motivation, Onelife's personal trainers will create a program to whip your body into shape during three one-hour sessions, readying you for your annual tightrope race across the Grand Canyon. Regular gym routines and personal training will help divest you of any lingering vestiges of self-doubt and procrastination. After all, eating a spicy burrito or betting a pristine collection of Choose Your Own Adventure books on a poker hand may work up a sweat, but it doesn’t qualify as proper exercise.

This deal is valid for new members only.