Because baseball games are no longer used to settle land disputes and damages from horse collisions, they’ve become the battleground for deciding which U.S. city will be the first to move to the moon. Catch a nation-changing showdown with today’s Groupon: for $17, you’ll be able to attend a St. Louis Cardinals game when they play the Philadelphia Phillies on four available dates.

Just like every weird uncle, we have a guy hooking us up with our tickets. Our guy just happens to be an outside URL (see below for more info on fees). Purchase a $17 Outfield Loge Box ticket for one (or all) of the following games:

• Monday, July 19, at 6:05 p.m. (a $35 value)
• Tuesday, July 20, at 7:15 p.m. (a $35 value)
• Wednesday, July 21, at 7:15 p.m. (a $35 value)
• Thursday, July 22, at 1:15 p.m. (a $35 value)

Boasting a rich history of baseballing highlighted by 10 World Series Championships, the St. Louis Cardinals have captivated fans with thrilling athleticism and mesmerizing games of charades since the team’s founding in 1892—five years before grass was invented. This season, the Cardinals are once again led by first baseman and 2009 National League MVP Albert Pujols, who has mashed 20 home runs and 61 RBIs after 84 games, and righty starting pitcher Adam Wainwright, who maintained a 12-5 record and a trim 2.24 ERA after 18 starts.

In addition to the thrill of the competition, die-hard Cards fans will also get to soak in the dazzling confines of the five-year-old Busch Stadium, which showcases striking views of the picturesque downtown skyline and Gateway Arch, a lush natural grass field, and the teleportation pods between the bullpen and mound. In between mouthfuls of tasty ballpark eats such as toasted ravioli and barbecue pulled-pork sandwiches, visitors can spark “hey batta batta” chants or just ease back into their comfy seats for the seventh-inning stretch’s traditional gladiatorial combat.

Attending a baseball game is more American than driving an SUV through the mall or adopting a stray buffalo, especially when it’s done on the Earth’s surface. Enjoy a fun-filled evening or afternoon of deft bat wielding and precision pitches with today’s Groupon for the St. Louis Cardinals.

Note on outside URL fees: A fee of $4.50 will be applied to every order, as well as an additional discounted charge of $2.25 per ticket.